MICHAEL'S MANC MOVE DIDN'T GET ME G-OWEN

OWE NO! Owen's sales brochure

SHOCKED or surprised - maybe - but mad, even mortified? Definitely not.

It seemed like all eyes turned to Merseyside when Michael Owen signed for Manchester United.

The Sky cameras pounced on the unsuspecting passer-by at Anfield, internet forums were monitored with a magnifying glass for bile from our end of the M62 and journalists cooled their fingers before furiously typing up pieces about crossing the great divide, breaking unwritten rules and risking the wrath of the Kop faithful.

Meanwhile, very little emotion stirred in yours truly. And why should it?

Yes, Michael Owen played for Liverpool once. Five years ago to be precise. That's gone now - long gone.

And, harsh as it may sound, the 29-year-old now ex-Real Madrid and Newcastle striker looks a spent force.

The searing pace that brought him 150 goals in the red shirt of Liverpool FC left around the same time as England's World Cup hopes in 2006.

Since then, he's never been the same so it's a big gamble for Alex Ferguson.

Owen must have bite marks on his arms from checking he was awake when Fergie rang saying he wanted to sign him.

As far as Owen was concerned the chance of a move to a big club had gone - even a finding a half decent one was in doubt, or else, why produce a 32-page brochure telling clubs how good you are?

Yes, he's got an eye for goal. And chances are, if he gets a game, and stays fit (two very big 'ifs'), he will score goals for Manchester United.

But is he really worth £50,000-a-week plus bonuses? And if it's such a great deal, a coup, a stroke of genius, as we have been led to believe by many 'experts', why did no other top four club - or for that matter any other top team in Europe - come in for Owen?

Man U fans have, of course, put some unbelievable spin on the deal. As a Scouser working in Manchester, I have heard a couple of corkers already - from quoting his chances to goals ratio to the pearl "If he scores one goal, he'll be worth it".

Converting chances isn't the problem – it's getting him on the pitch in the first place. And how about this for a stat: look at his record of goals per start over 13 seasons - the last three are his 13th, 11th and 12th worst.

The other reaction I've encountered is the cocky smile, accompanied by slight swagger, followed by: "What about Owen, eh?"

What about him?

Another overlooked fact is that he would of walked barefoot from Newcastle to come back to Liverpool for a second spell.

His advisers have been trying to hammer out a deal to tempt Rafa Benitez for months - as far back as January.

The "fact" is, Benitez didn't want him. Where would he fit in anyway? He would never have started ahead of Fernando Torres or Steven Gerrard.

And as an impact player? Well Fabio Capello is no fool - and if he doesn't fancy him as a super sub why would Benitez? The slo-mo version of Owen seen in a Newcastle shirt is a box finisher at best - and, frankly, that doesn't suit our style these days.

Owen, of course, had his chance to come back to Anfield when he chose Newcastle while marooned at Real Madrid.

Instead of following Benitez's advice and calling Madrid's bluff over the transfer fee, and supposedly worried about his England career, he chose huge wages and four years of humdrum, topped by relegation, at Newcastle.

And let's be honest - even before all that - a big section of Anfield never fully warmed to Owen. Even the fans that did had their loyalty to the player tested when his contract bluffs meant The Reds ended up pocketing a fraction of Owen's true worth when he left for Madrid in 2004 for just £8million.

Loads of goals - yes. Hero? Questionable.

He was never in the same bracket as Robbie Fowler and he was never loved like Steven Gerrard or Jamie Carragher.

Had it been any of these players strolling down Sir Matt Busby Way talking about signing for United without a "moment's thought", then I could understand the cameras descending on Merseyside and the sly smiles of Stretford-Enders.

As it is, it should be the Kopites who are nursing a grin. Because while Karim Benzema, 21, dots the i's and crosses the t's on his Real Madrid contract, Michael Owen stretches his hamstrings in preparation for a possible front-line partnership with Dimitar Berbatov.

Martin Skrtel must be shaking in his boots...

WATCH: IT'S OFFICIAL, FERGIE'S A HYPOCRITE

JUST yesterday I blogged about Fergie's forgetfulness - now see the proof for yourself...

Yep, after accusing Benitez of showing "absolute contempt" for Sam Allardyce with a hand gesture, it appears Slur Alex has form for making the odd gesture himself.

PLEASE "SIR" CAN I HAVE SOME MORE (BULLSH*T)?

POOR old Fergie, eh?

We all knew he was cracking on (or cracking up?) but things appear to have taken a turn for the worst for the 67-year-old purple-faced watch-checker.

Yep, old whisky nose has now officially lost his marbles.

Those marbles have been clinging on for dear life in a a sea of single malt for a few weeks to be fair.

Now they've given up. So much so, that Taggart can't even remember what he said last week.

I'll refresh your memories, just in case, like Alex, you've recently been necking scotch.

Friday, April 10, 2009: Ferguson claims to think it's "fantastic" that Rafa Benitez suggested he's "scared" of Liverpool.

Grinning at the media lap dogs who he agrees to speak to these days (i.e. the ones who stock his booze cabinet) he said:

"But the interesting thing as far as Rafa Benitez is concerned is that he's got a European tie [against Chelsea] and he's talking about Alex Ferguson. Fantastic. I didn't know I was that important."

When asked whether he felt he had successfully "got under Benitez's skin", Ferguson grinned before replying: "I have no more comment to make."

Friday, April 17, 2009: Ferguson attends his press conference as he prepares for an FA Cup semi-final with Everton and decides to talk about Liverpool:

"Everton are a big club, not a small one which Benitez arrogantly said. But arrogance is one thing. You cannot forgive contempt, which is what he showed Sam Allardyce last weekend.

"When Liverpool scored their second goal he signalled as if the game was finished. I do not think Sam deserved that. Sam has worked so hard for the LMA [League Managers' Association] and he's had a weakened team. I just thought it showed contempt. In my experience no Liverpool manager has ever done that. It was beyond the pale."

Hmm, so I wonder if Benitez thinks it's "fantastic" that he is now so important just before such a big game for Manchester United?

What this is boils down to is Fergie is seriously worried - by Liverpool, by Benitez and by blowing the league to his biggest rivals.

Even more so now that we are out of the Champions League.

Our superb performance at Stamford Bridge might not have landed a semi-final spot, but the courage, skill and spirit on display ensured our ever-gathering momentum continued - and that was not good news for Ferguson's twitching arsehole.

And as Fergie's side go into battle with an Everton side that is unlikely to go down without a fight, our boys are putting their feet up and thinking about how to gun down Arsenal on Tuesday.

That's Arsenal who are also playing this weekend in a not-too-easy-looking match against Chelsea.

So an opposition team looks to have an advantage over Man United - cue the infamous "mind games".

What a load of bollocks. If Ferguson is a master of mind games, Benitez is a Frenchman.

The best Fergie could dream up this week (over a drink of course) with his old mate Big (Fat Head) Sam Allardyce was this ludicrous suggestion of a lack of respect indicated by a hand gesture.

Maybe he was drinking the same stuff when he came up with the "I was shitting myself so I had to tear-arse down the hard shoulder excuse" for breaking the law on the motorway.

So what did Rafa do to the Blackburn boss? Flick the Vs? Give him the bird? What about an Ace Ventura-style "Can you feel that Sam? Can yer? Can yer?" groin thrust?

No such luck - just a bashful half smile and, while never looking towards the Blackburn bench, a crossing of the hands.

It could feasibly mean "that's it". But that's what? Why does it mean "game over", as the Premier League's Chuckle Brothers suggest?

And why has it taken a week for Allardyce to say anything about this? And why, even more suspiciously, did Ferguson mention the incident FIRST in the press conferences yesterday? Almost like it was scripted...

Allardyce said:

"I think if everybody has a look back at his gestures you will see them as pretty dismissive to me and the Blackburn Rovers team as a whole. I was hugely disappointed by those gestures. I think they were disrespectful and quite humiliating.

"Having looked at them again this week, I think I'm right and everybody will see why I'm complaining.

"The feeling was that he had written us off. It was open arms and then a crossover of the arms as if to suggest that was it. I admit it was a hard game, a difficult game for us, and we were well beaten by an outstanding Liverpool side.

"But in terms of respect, you don't expect those sort of things to happen in a game of football. I was very, very upset by it. The game is hard enough as it is without a fellow manager doing what seemed to be an undermining gesture.

"I then waited to have a word with him after the game in his room, but as usual and unfortunately, he didn't turn up."

Well Red translation: "We were absolutely tonked by a Liverpool side that ripped us to shreds. I couldn't think of any decent excuses at the the time so I didn't make any. Midweek I was talking to my bezzy mate Alex and he was looking for a reason to have a pop at Liverpool. When he watched the tape of our game with Liverpool for the 1,000th time he spotted Benitez's gesture and we took it from there."

Judge for yourself - even Stevie Wonder can see these two had their beer goggles on when they dreamt up this one...

IS FERGIE CRACKING UP?

Mail on Sunday, March 22, 2009

FORGET a squeaky bum - after watching Liverpool destroy Aston Villa 5-0 without ever reaching top gear, Alex Ferguson's rear end will be parping like a Mersey ferry.

The sour Scot could body double for a Ribena berry right now - the more it goes wrong, the purpler he gets.

Gone is the yawning seven-point advantage his Manchester United held over Liverpool just over a week ago. Gone is the goal difference - from plus 11 in favour of Fergie's side, to plus two in favour of Liverpool.

And the best is - gone is Fergie's focus. The pressure is getting to him and his players - big time.

Ferguson's gone from nonchalantly shrugging off Rafa's 'rant' to ordering staff at United to check whether he's spent more than the Spaniard.

He's also childishly revealed his list of the best Premier League managers - omitting Benitez.

And, best of all, he is refusing to speak to the media after matches. Cracking up? Think so!

On the pitch, Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo are behaving like a pair of spoilt brats, officials are finally giving decisions against United (a consequence of the Rafa 'rant' perhaps?!) and they look highly beatable.

And how nice to see super Danny Murphy rolling back the years to sink Man United - he even found time to seek out Fergie at the end and shake his hand - nice touch!

It's time Fergie showed some respect for Rafa

Meanwhile, at the right end of the M62, life couldn't get much better for Benitez and every Liverpool fan right now. The manager's contract signed, Rick Parry on his way out and 13 goals in three games against quality opposition.

Aside from a magnificent result, there were lots of positives to take from the latest display of Liverpool's hot streak of form.

BERTIE GLEE: Riera celebrates his spectacular strike

Albert Riera had his best game for the club, visibly growing in confidence, tormenting the Villa defence all day and hammering in a thunderous finish for Liverpool's second.

Pepe Reina pulled off a world-class save and yet again demonstrated what a powerful weapon his flawless distribution can be while Steven Gerrard - well he was just Steven Gerrard - world class.

And all this without the usual contribution from Fernando Torres who had a very quiet game.

So after 12 days of bliss, we're daring to dream. Not even the most optimistic of Reds could have predicted the last three results. And not even the most pessimistic could fail to be impressed by them.

Now we can only hope this devastating form isn't interrupted by an ill-timed international break.

It's still up to the Mancs to throw the title away of course, but if they do, we've got to be there to catch it. And what better way to knock them off balance than by returning to league action against Fulham a week on Saturday and claiming all three points?

That would put Liverpool top - two points clear - with United then having two games in hand and first off facing Villa at home on the Sunday.

Seeing the Reds top again would really have us dreaming of number 19 but how realistic are our chances?

As ever it's hard to say - but it seems Fergie isn't the only one with a sweaty rear end right now.

No, twitchy bookmakers are also staining their shorts at the prospect of the Reds getting back on their perch.

After the 4-1 mauling of the Mancs was followed by the 5-0 thumping of Villa, the odds for Steven Gerrard getting to grips with the Premier League trophy were slashed from 20-1 to just 3-1.

But what I want to know is - what price a Murphy own goal giving Liverpool victory at Craven Cottage?

That really would send Fergie's blackcurrant tribute act into overdrive!

Kam shafted

IN many professions poor preparation would get you the sack. Or, at the very least, a severe word in your shell-like.
But not, it seems, if it’s your job to comment on football.
The myths perpetuated by the media regarding Liverpool FC are many. One of the favourites is the Fernando Torres myth.
The notion that Rafa Benitez cost Liverpool a tilt at the title this year because he rested - or ‘rotated’ as this is so lazily referred to these days - the Spaniard too many times in the league.
This particular rather smelly old chestnut was pulled out the bag again on bank holiday Monday by Chris Kamara.
Speaking on Sky, with a pained expression rising above his ridiculous moustache, he mused that we can only wonder what would have happened if Torres had played more in the league.
And so, yet again, Benitez is painted as the villain of the piece. The mad ‘rotator’ who doesn’t want to win the Premier League and only cares about Europe.
So, back to the preparation. Now, if ‘Kammy’ hadn’t been as busy trimming the tash and putting a bucket of gel on his head, maybe he could have done a little research.
And if he had, he would have discovered the following – out of the 37 Premier League games Liverpool have played this season, Torres has played in 32 of them with 28 starts and four sub appearances.
Of Liverpool’s outfield players, only Jamie Carragher (34 appearances, 33 starts) and Steven Gerrard (32 appearances, 31 starts) can top that.
And Torres has played far more than his fellow strikers with Dirk Kuyt starting 23 games, Andriy Voronin 12 and Peter Crouch just nine (ouch!).
No manager plays their best player in every minute of every game - Alex Ferguson has rested Cristiano Ronaldo, Arsene Wenger has rested Cesc Fabregas and Avram Grant has rested Didier Drogba.
So why pick on Benitez? Over to you Mr Kamara. And a little tip - maybe you should prepare before you answer this one.